It should be no surprise that an important key to ensuring your children’s well-being through this transition is communication. However, too much or too little too communication can be problematic. Recall previously that we recommend that parents together have the initial conversation about separating with their children. Both parents should be available whenever children feel the need to discuss their feelings. Depending on your child’s age, you might hear the same questions over and over again. It is important that you remain patient and know that your child is looking to you for stability. Your answers should be consistent, although you are not expected to know the answers to every question; it is certainly okay to let your children know that. Try to refrain from speaking with your children regarding the practical aspects of their living situation when you are very upset. They need to feel secure in the knowledge that they will be safe, so their questions on these topics are best addressed when you can focus on their needs and provide the reassurance they’re seeking.

Another common trap for parents is over-explaining. It’s easy to believe that children should have complete knowledge of every aspect of the parents’ relationship, so frequently, parents who are hurt or who oppose the separation will begin a habit of over-explaining. In general, you should keep explanations to your small children (between 2 and 5 years old) relatively brief. As above, a child’s primary need at this stage is reassurance. They need to know that their immediate needs will be met and that both parents love them. At the same time, remember that children are very resilient and can adapt to many changes; children are often more adaptable than adults. Do not assume that your difficulty in adjusting will necessarily mean your child will have the same difficulty.

Older children (between 6 and 10 years old) tend to ask the same questions over and over again. Depending on the child, you might be very surprised at the level of sophistication in their concerns. Reassurance at this stage is also very important. In addition to the care and concern of both parents, let children know about the areas of life that will remain stable. Your child will be looking to you for cues about how to feel about the situation. It is perfectly appropriate for your children to see you emotional, but they should also experience you communicating in a calm and rational manner. They will learn it is acceptable to have emotions and express feelings appropriately. How parents treat one another is what most adversely affect kids.

Pre-teens and adolescents also need a certain amount of assurance. Although they will likely say that everything is ‘fine,’ they will also appreciate the reassurance their parents will be involved in their lives and that certain routines and living situations will remain stable. Pre-teens are more attuned than younger children to relationships, so your respect and consideration for the other parent will be very visible. They are also more attuned to subtle gestures like rolling of the eyes, tone of voice, and overall attitude, so be mindful of these as you communicate with your co-parent.

One positive way to communicate with children of all ages is by spending time with them. Making time for each of your children every day (and individually if possible) will speak volumes about what is important to you. Rarely has a parent regretted spending too much time with their children, getting down to their level, and experiencing life with them.

Should I cry in front of my children?

You should not be afraid to show emotions around your children. Seeing you be work through your emotions will let them know that having difficult feelings and expressing pain are not negative things. You will be teaching them to respect their emotions and to express them in appropriate ways. Parents often feel ashamed when children are there to comfort them. In moderation, this is certainly not harmful for your child, and it can also be quite empowering. The thing to remember is that if you are overwhelmed with emotions on a regular basis, you need to find other outlets for them away from your children. You will want the times you react rationally and logically around your children to outweigh the times you react emotionally.

Understanding my responsibility to my children’s emotional reactions?

Expect that your children will have emotional responses. These are opportunities for you to validate sad, angry, or anxious feelings. Listen for the emotion behind what your child is saying and respond to the emotion, rather than the content. For example, if your child is expressing reluctance to sleep in a new home, you can say: ‘It sounds like you are nervous about staying in the new home tonight.’ Letting them respond gives them an opportunity to talk about the feeling of nervousness. At this point, whatever they say should be followed up with a question like: ‘What specifically makes you nervous?’ ‘What does that feel like?’ In addition to allowing them to talk about these feelings, you will be gathering information about how to provide some reassurance.

Avoid negating these feelings or saying anything like they are being silly, stupid, babyish, or any other put-down. Each of these forms of dismissal tells your child that his or her feelings are not okay. On the other hand, asking questions about the feelings and giving permission for those feelings to exist will teach your child a great deal about exploring emotions and expressing them constructively.

Normal reactions to divorce or separation

The following reactions are normal for children after finding out their parents are separating.

• Your kids may express anger and resentment with you and your co-parent for upsetting their sense of normalcy.
• They may appear extremely anxious having to face this big change in their life.
• Depression and sadness about the family’s new situation is normal. A. sense of hopelessness and helplessness could form into a mild form of depression.

It will take some time for your kids to work through their issues but you should see gradual improvement over time.

How do I balance doing what my children want and doing what is best for them?

The key here is balance. Be on the lookout for times when you can offer your child choices. This habit will empower them and show them their ideas and opinions count. At the same time, you don’t have to feel like all decisions have to be approved by the children. Get used to the idea that you will be making decisions for your children that they will not like or agree with. This is a good thing. Although children may express some negative feelings about some of your decisions, they will ultimately feel a sense of security that you are making such decisions and taking control. Don’t be afraid of your child’s emotional reactions; make room for them, discuss them, and they will pass.

Remember to tell your children verbally that you love them. They should also experience this love through your words and your actions. Stay involved with what is important to them, including their hobbies and extracurricular activities. Let them know that friends who are important to them are also important to you. Open communication should be encouraged but not forced. Your children should feel that even when you have a disagreement with them, you are interested in their opinions and perspectives. You can validate your child’s opinion without agreeing with it. Fourteen-year-old daughter: ‘Daddy, I want to stay up until eleven o’clock tonight; there is a movie I want to watch.’ Parent: ‘I understand that you really want to see this movie and it is important to you. But tonight is a school night, and your bedtime is ten p.m.’ Even though your child might be angry with your decision and may disagree with it, you are letting them know that you understand their perspective, and this will be validating even though they are not getting their way.

Overwhelmingly, a major challenge parents face is the temptation to slack off discipline and to provide their child whatever material things they ask for. This is common enough for parents who are married, but even more common among those who aren’t together anymore. Many such parents feel their children have suffered so much already and therefore should get whatever they ask for. This is a big mistake. It’s difficult to resist the urge to give in to guilt; however, the only thing children learn by always getting what they want is that they can manipulate people. Far too many parents wish they had never begun giving in to their children’s every whim.

A related issue arises when you are making good choices for your kids, but your co-parent is spoiling them by giving them everything they want and not enforcing discipline or structure. This is an unfortunate circumstance, but there is usually little you can do about it. If you are lucky enough to have a relationship with your co-parent where you give and receive feedback from one another, then by all means you can point out areas for improvement. More likely, however, is a situation where parents will not feel comfortable giving and taking such advice. You should go on enforcing rules, structure, and a respectful, safe atmosphere in your home and hope your co-parent realizes that a lack of structure and spoiling are very destructive. By now you should be expecting the next five words: keep doing the right thing.

Positive Traits Children Can Develop Through a Healthy Co-parenting Experience

• Ability to deal with change: Children with parents that are co-parenting often learn to adapt to changing circumstances more quickly than other children. This often reinforces a sense of inner strength and resilience.
• Skill in expressing feelings: Children often have to deal with a wide range of emotions when their parents are co-parenting. This can facilitate recognition of different feelings and ways to express them that are healthy.
• Greater sense of independence: Children being co-parented often become more responsible for themselves and their siblings at an earlier age.
• Willingness to seek help: Children being co-parented may have a more realistic sense of their abilities and weaknesses and may be more willing to seek assistance when needed.
• Openness to diversity: Children being co-parented are often exposed to a wider range of diversity and lifestyles. This exposure can be beneficial in a variety of ways and contribute to long-term adjustment in many of life’s challenging situations.

How should we handle issues that arise around visitation?
If your child complains, becomes sad, or throws a tantrum every time they are to visit the other parent, it is important that you see this reaction for what it is. Children will often have such reactions in front of you because they feel it is the response you want to see from them. Frequently, when they are with the other parent, they are fine and thriving. It is important to be firm about the importance of visiting and spending time with the other parent. Your children might see you as the ‘enemy’ by forcing them to go, but it is the right thing to do. The rare exception would be if you had a genuine belief that your child would be abused or neglected by the other parent or another person in the other parent’s household. In these situations, it is your responsibility to ensure your child’s safety. Otherwise, you should calmly and unemotionally let your children know that visitation with the other parent is mandatory. This becomes more challenging with teenagers who feel they are old enough to make their own decisions regarding visitation.

If you are the parent your child is reluctant to visit, your challenge will be different. First off, show some understanding for your co-parent who is dealing with a child who says they do not want to visit you. Also, recognize that your child is probably responding more to a stressful situation and less to who you are as a parent. If your child is saying they do not want to visit or spend time with you, you might need to ask yourself some uncomfortable questions: How are we spending our visitation time? Am I available to my children during visitation? Am I taking time to listen to them and participate in their lives? Do I look forward to visitation and the time that I spend with my children? If after taking an honest inventory of yourself as a parent, you feel you are providing a very safe, structured, and loving, environment, then you should assume that your child is reacting to the situation and not take personally their reluctance to visit with you. You might have to make some short-term accommodations to their wishes while letting them know that visitation with you is required. The key here is not to get caught up in your child’s emotional response, but to deal with them and your co-parent with reason, flexibility, and loving concern.

When your child returns from a visit with Mom or Dad, do not grill them for information. It’s helpful to demonstrate a healthy sense of curiosity about the time they spend together, but do not ask interrogating questions. You should be excited for them if they are excited about the time they spent, and be available to listen when there are issues that arise. If your child expresses some concerns about something that occurred during a visit, you should let them know that you will discuss the issue with the other parent at the appropriate time. When engaging your co-parent regarding a problem during visitation, avoid blaming or attacking the other parent. Instead, hear their telling of the incident by asking curious, non-blaming questions. Remember that there are two sides to every story, and continually siding with your child against the other parent will merely foster angry and resentful feelings.

Checklist for helpful parental behaviors and healthy communication:

• Am I fostering open communication with my children?
• Am I supporting my child’s relationship with both parents?
• Am I communicating with my child in age-appropriate ways?
• Am I refraining from:

–– Using my children to communicate with the other parent?

–– Getting caught up in my child’s emotional response?

–– Grilling them when they return from visitation?

–– Spoiling children and letting them always get their way?

• Am I encouraging my child’s hobbies, interests, and routines?
• Am I supporting communication but not forcing it?
• Am I providing consistent discipline and consequences for inappropriate behavior?
• Do I make room for the other parent’s parenting style even if I disagree with it sometimes?
• Am I seeking assistance for problems that have become unmanageable?

Healthy Ways to Deal with the Stress of Co-parenting

1. Distractions

After it’s been decided that you each will go your own way, it’s easy to start obsessing about past choices or worrying about the future. Find engaging distractions that allow you to focus your attention elsewhere such as funny movies, time with friends or doing activities with your children or pets.  Those that are creative should find outlets such as journaling, gardening or painting. These are highly recommended because expressing yourself is fun and cathartic.

2.Active

The healthiest way to refocus your energy during this stressful time is through physical activity.   According to many research articles, exercise can calm you down by reducing levels of the body’s stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol. Examples such as joining a gym, biking, tennis, swimming, and other aerobic activities will help you release pent-up frustration.   Less strenuous activities such as walking or hiking can clear your head and revitalize your spirit.  Playing a team sport like softball, soccer or volleyball is a option if you are thinking of making new friends and interact with other people having fun.

3.Support

When the feelings co-parenting or parenting alone become overwhelming, many people find comfort in processing their emotions with family or friends.   Another alternative is seeking therapy from a professional in a judgment free zone with the benefit of confidentiality.   A support group can also be very helpful.  In this environment, you will connect with others going through similar situations so you won’t feel so alone.  It’s important for you to take responsibility for your own emotional well-being and make sure that you nurture yourself emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

4.Self-Care

Self-care, such as getting a full night’s sleep, eating a healthy, well-balanced diet, getting a massage or mani-pedi are recommended. Avoid binging on comfort foods that often feel in the moment, but can leave you feeling worse later. Be cautious around drugs and alcohol as these substances often perpetuate negative and remorseful feelings.

4.Permission to Grieve

Because divorce and/or separation is a loss of your partner and the life you had together, feelings of anger, resentment and sadness are common responses.  For those parenting alone, feelings of isolation and abandonment can be overwhelming.  Be prepared to confront a wide range of unexpected emotions and give yourself time and space to grieve what is changing.  In time you will find a new normal and the feelings of grief will lessen.

5.Prioritize

On especially tough days, prioritize the most important tasks you can handle and reschedule others for another time.  It is okay to call professional services to deliver groceries, help clean your house or spend time with kids.  Learning to say “no” to things you don’t really want to do in order to spend time doing the things you do want to do is perfectly acceptable. Plan activities that bring you pleasure and participate in them regularly. Maintain a close circle of friends and socialize often as to not to isolate yourself from others. Get out and enjoy life even if it means forcing yourself to.

6.Explore

This unexpected change in your life can bring a positive change if you look at it from a place of hope.  Take stock of your interests and take up an old hobby or try out a new one. Join a book club, enroll in a cooking class or volunteer in your community. Immersing yourself in an activity you enjoy or a cause you are passionate about focuses your attention on the present. Following your interests can also be a great way to meet like-minded people and to cultivate new relationships. You’ll find that once you’re out engaging in fun activities, you’ll feel less stressed.

7.Decision-making

Being on your own while co-parenting can be a very confusing time.  Using emotions to make decisions on significant choices that will determine the course of your life is not recommended.  Whether you take these choices to a trusted family member or friend, therapist or life coach, make sure to weigh out all options and consequences before making a final decision.  When making decisions, use logical thinking instead of emotional thinking to guide your decision making. Give yourself time and be patient with the decision-making process.  Real-estate agents, tax experts, and an experienced divorce attorney can all be invaluable resources during this important period in your life.

8. Expectations

When you’re in a co-parenting situation, you might feel as though you’ve lost control over everything.   Remember, no one has any control over the feelings and actions of another person. Don’t try to control any aspect of what your co-parent might feel or what actions they will take. Let go of what you feel the outcome should be and learn to accept whatever might happen.

If you are faced with an uncomfortable or painful situation, learn to let it go.  Take some time to figure out what is best for you and then come back to it. Stay focused on what you have control over and let go of the rest

Case Study

Richard (53) and Gemma (55) were a high-powered and strong-willed couple who decided to divorce after 20+ years of marriage. Like many couples, they were living in misery for many years before deciding to make the decision. Part of the chronic problems had to do with the fact that they were both aware that a divorce would be a challenge due to dividing assets and property in a way that would be fair. They both believed that the other one would try to take advantage financially. In addition, this couple was also raising four teenage children who are having their own challenges.

Over the course of their lifetimes, the couple had generated significant wealth and assets. These are always a bone of contention in divorce proceedings and can really confuse matters. Unfortunately, remaining distracted solely on financial issues, will prevent other pressing concerns from being addressed.

Also, most people fail to consider how older children are affected by divorce, and the couple’s teenaged children seemed to be agonized by the entire affair. With all the conversations between family members being focused around money, difficult conversations having to do with the various transitions of lifestyle changes regarding the kids weren’t happening.

This is a common, yet challenging situation, as families stuck in money talk won’t quickly shift their priorities elsewhere. My only option starting off was to join them in the endless dead-end talks around money. Once they trusted I understood the importance of these issues to them, the couple seemed open to expanding the conversation beyond money.  I discovered this couple was placing their fears into the future by focusing on money when the real issue was how the divorce was affecting their children in the here and now.

A significant turning point happened when I asked them what in therapy circles is known as “The miracle question.” The miracle question is a wonderful tool and a powerful question when posed to people who are locked in the same old struggles. “Imagine that when you go to sleep a miracle were to happen and magically solve the issues around money that you are now facing. What would be different the first thing in the morning when you awake?” This type of question tends to stop clients in their tracks because you are asking them to imagine something that they haven’t thought about. Richard said that if the money issues between him and Gemma were resolved, he would focus more on planning activities when he was with the children. The quality of time he would have with them was something that was bothering him terribly. Gemma said that she would begin taking night classes to get her real estate license.  When this couple was finally able to begin imagining life without the money battle, they could envision some positive changes in their lives. Now, unlike most couples locked in such a struggle, they can see the finish line.

In future sessions, we usually spent the first few minutes with talk about money dominating the conversation. However, they would take turns reminding one another that there were other important issues to deal with.  I could see them grow into a partnership they needed to have in order to manage the years ahead.

In our last session, the theme was security and both Richard and Gemma felt empowered to now realize that there were different types of security, not just financial security. They were able to articulate the importance of emotional security, psychological security, and the security that two parents can work together and raise happy children.
When Richard and Gemma were able to set the money issue aside, they could focus on the practicalities of raising their children before they headed off to college. Once they had started to engage in this kind of discussion they were also able to work out financial arrangements that kept them and their children secure as they had both originally intended.

These days Richard and Gemma are living happy, independent lives, and their children are all living their own lives at prestigious universities across country.

Chapter 6